I Ripped My Jeans: A Lesson in Humility

When watching those documentaries where people have put on so much weight that they have had to be cut out of their houses by the emergency services, I have had so many conversations where I have debated: how do people let themselves get to that stage? Surely there has to be a point BEFORE then? Perhaps when they have had to go up a clothes size? When they can't ride a roller-coaster? Or when they have to buy two plane seats? How do they let it get to that stage and at what point does someone realise that enough is enough?

I had my "getting cut out of my house by the firemen" moment last week: I ripped my jeans (well, they were really my favourite White Stuff jeggings but let's not get bogged down in semantics). I had been in denial for weeks. I could feel the painful 'tug' that was hinting at was about to come. But just like the guy who was finding it harder and harder to get out of the house each day until one day he couldn't anymore, I pretended it wasn't happening, until that heart-wrenching noise as the seam gave way, also gave me one big, sharp kick up the bum.

Like many young women, I have never had a healthy relationship with food. It is only by maintaining an incredibly active lifestyle that I have been able to maintain a reasonably healthy weight. Whilst I enjoy healthy food, I also like BIG portions - which I have tried to balance out by working out 5/6 times a week.

In October, my life got turned upside down when I, unexpectedly, became a foster parent. As someone who works 60+ hour weeks and doesn't have a maternal bone in their body, this was HARD. My life wasn't mine any more. From the moment I got up at 5.30, to the second I went to sleep, every minute was dedicated to driving children to school/access/social services appointments, trying desperately to stay on top of my own work, or trying to get a few hours sleep before waking up and attempting to do it all again. I had to plan it all out in military precision: getting home in time for my husband to go to work, lesson planning and mountains of marking, and even the food shop! I know I am not the only person that juggles these responsibilities, but when it happens so suddenly, nothing can prepare you for it.

My workouts were the first thing that had to go. I was fitting them in where I could, but by the time I got home from work, did the tea, baths and bed-time, it was already 8pm and I had a pile of work to get stuck into before I could even think about bed. I was cooking healthy and nutritious meals but I was still eating like I was working out every day..... I knew that I had put on a bit of weight but when someone grabbed my stomach, laughed at me, and asked me where it had come from, my whole world felt like it was caving in. I was already feeling like I was struggling to keep my head above the water, like I was failing miserably, but it just made it a million times worse. 

Cue 4 months of self-loathing and despair. 

RIIIIIIIPPPPPP - cue wake up call (or jean-gate as I have decided to call it).

I may not have been too big to fit on a roller-coaster or so fat that I had to be airlifted out of my house, but I finally understood how people could get to that stage: yes, partly it is denial, but it is also feeling so crap about yourself that you don't feel that you are worth the effort. 

CHEESE ALERT - You are ALWAYS worth the effort. You should ALWAYS make time for yourself. If anything, it will save you from having to spend £39.95 to replace your jeans.

That being said, I am kind of glad that the past 6 months have happened. Firstly, it is making me readdress my long-standing issues with food and exercise. Now, more than ever, I understand the importance of balance. I know that I am not there yet but I am committed to finding a way to live in a more balanced and sustainable way. Secondly, I can appreciate the complexities of our relationships with food/exercise and how not to judge others on their journey. Finally, I have learnt about the power of words, and how much what we say and do impacts on one another, even if we don't realise it. Choose your words wisely and choose them kindly :)